i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
