Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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