Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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