Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
