Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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