So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
