Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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