i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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