well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
