I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
