I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
