Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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