I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
