You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
