im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
