OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
