I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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