Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
