My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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