i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
