It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
