Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
