I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
