hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
