i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
