I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
