So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Barsexuality is the new black.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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