Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
