so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
