Will you blow on my dice?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
