YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
