Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I need to align my fucking chakras
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
