So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I need to calm my uterus...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
