Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
You smell like a Billy Joel song
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
