Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
