As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
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You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
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My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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