She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He passed out mid-signature
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
