Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
