i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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