I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
