Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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