u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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