so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
