when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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