Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
where are you?
Hypothermia
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
