i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
