never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
