Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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