this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
