Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
