Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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