you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
