cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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