i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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