Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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